★Collector's picksComic Epitaphs

Transcript

♪♪ Hello, Mose, was you out hunting? Yes, indeed I was. What did you get?

Oh, I got a big fat possum in the townhouse. My, you was lucky. What did you get?

I never pulled a trigger. Oh, you was unlucky. Hey, boy, we'd better get on home, there's a great big storm approaching.

Come on, we'll cut through the cemetery, we'll cut off a mile. Not no cemetery for this nigger. Why?

I'm a field. Field of what? I'm field of the hobble gobbler.

Hobble gobbler, they won't bother them around with me, but they won't steal our chickens tonight. No, but they'll get this soon tonight. Oh, come on, let's go on through there and I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll read the epitaphs off the tombstones for you, they'll pass away in time. Then I'll go with you. Now, right down here, here's one.

Here lies the body of Samuel Proctor, who lived and died without a doctor. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Here's one.

Here lies the body of Tommy Best, he tickled the jackass, now guess the rest. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Here's one.

Died while young and full of promise, measles took our little Thomas, poor little Thomas. Here's one. Here lies the body of Isaac Cohen, he was a businessman clever.

His wife Rebecca now runs the store and sells goods cheaper than ever. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Here's one way up here.

Here lies the body of my brother Mick, who died before he was taken sick. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, here's another one.

Here lies the body of Lucy Love, she's gone to a better world above. And here lies the body of Ratched Snow, he's gone to a hotter world below. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Here's another one. Here lies the body of Mary Black, electric cars ripped her up the back. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Here lies the body of Willie Pickens, who made his money stealing chickens. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust, St. Peter won't have him so Satan must.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Born on a Friday half past eleven, died the same day a quarter to seven. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

He's only here a short while. Yes, indeed. Here lies the body of Ellen Ryan, who took this world mighty fine.

She was a truthful girl, but she died lying. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. The moment I was given birth, I was told to get off the earth.

He wasn't here very long, was he? Here lies the body of Tommy Jones, at a fire he met his death. And if he's gone to Warrior, I guess he's burning yet.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Now I lay me down to sleep, I hope the folks will bury me cheap. Oh, he was a cheap thief.

In this grave lies very poor Patsy McKay. He called Michael Rooney an old A.T. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. He's one way up here.

Here lies the body of Mary Law, who fought four rounds with a whooping caw. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. When the sun goes down in the evening, and the moon am shining bright, two little blackbirds all am a-waitin', a-waitin' for the old man tonight, I'm waitin'.

A-waitin' for the old man to come, my boy, I'm waitin'. A-waitin' for the old man tonight. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Come on, boy, let's make that party. Yes, indeed, I do love that damless old party. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Transcribed by AI from the recording above. These are noisy hundred-year-old cylinders, so expect misheard words and the occasional invented line — trust your ears over the text.