The Relic Hunters

Transcript

Well, don't gun my buttons if yonder ain't old Stanley's gym. Where you all been for four or five years, huh? Why, didn't you hear about it, Bill?

I never heard about nothing. Well, I've been all over the world collecting curiosity. I got the greatest collection on earth today.

Well, that's strange. I'm in that very same business myself. You is?

Uh-huh. You better keep out. You'll starve to death.

Starve to death? What do you all got that is so great? Well, first of all, I got an honest politician that never did any harm.

Oh, that ain't nothing. I got a big bull moose from Teddy Roosevelt's farm. Ah-ha!

Some bull! I got the ring from the finger of Scone. I got the hoop skirts that were busted at Lanigan's Ball.

Some skirts! I got the man that bet on the human race. And I got a girl that never did powder her face.

Some beauty! I got the pen that signed the independence bill. And I got a corn that was extracted from the foot of a hill.

Ah-ha! Some money! I got a piece of cheese refused by a little church mouse.

And I got a feather from the wing of a brick house. Some feather! I got President Wilson's orders, which made the Mexicans proud.

And I got a petticoat from the outskirts of the town. Oh, some petticoat! I got the bark from a little bull moose.

And I got a tomato that couldn't catch up. Ah-ha! Some tomatoes!

I got ex-Secretary Brian's speeches that created such a mural. And I got a clean shirt out of Billy Sunday's bureau. Ah-ha!

Some shirt! I got a tooth from the Mississippi River's mouth. And I got an alligator from Teddy's River of Doubt.

Ah-ha! Some river! I got a talkative mother-in-law that can't be beat.

And I got a drunken man that was kicked by the foot of a street. Ah-ha! Some street!

I got some of the buttons from old Father Time's pantaloons. And I got a pair of rubber boots worn by the man in the moon. Some boots!

Well, I must say you've downed me in pretty near the mole. But I got one now that's actually going to knock you cold. Well, I'm red-hot and still-a-heat.

What do you got? I got the poker that stirred up the devil's fire. Just poke around with that a little while.

Oh, that ain't nothing. I got a five-dollar bill that tells you you're a doggone liar. Well, Bill, the old saying is, he who laughs last, laughs best.

I got another one here for you, profoundest, profoundest. I got the whiskers from a Rocky Mountain goat. And I got the whistle from a mockingbird's throat.

You have? Then I'm going to sing the song. I want to hear you use that whistle.

Turn the bird loose! I am dreaming now of Danny, dear Annie, sweet Danny. I am dreaming now of Danny, and the mockingbird is singing with him now.

He is sweet Danny in the valley, in the valley, in the valley. He is sweet Danny in the valley, and the mockingbird is singing with him now. And the mockingbird, and the mockingbird, and the mockingbird is singing with him now.

And the mockingbird, and the mockingbird, and the mockingbird is singing with him now. And the mockingbird, and the mockingbird, and the mockingbird is singing with him now. And the mockingbird, and the mockingbird, and the mockingbird is singing with him now.

Transcribed by AI from the recording above. These are noisy hundred-year-old cylinders, so expect misheard words and the occasional invented line — trust your ears over the text.