A Police Court Scene

Transcript

A police court scene by Steve Porter, Ellison Records. Order in the court. What's the postcase on the docket this morning?

A man charged with shoplifting. All right. Officer, bring him in.

I want to see a man that strong enough to lift a shop. Here he is, Your Honor. Where is he?

Here. I don't see him. Why, this is the man beside me.

What, that little bit of a schnitz? Stay off, sir. He's no shoplifter.

Sure that consumptive-looking little guy couldn't lift a baby. Discharged. What's the next case?

A man charged with stealing. What did he steal? A calendar.

A calendar? Well, much. What's the next case?

Bigamy. Well, bring her in. Order in the court.

Ah, it's not a woman you have, it's a man. Well, me good man, what are you charged with? I'm ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-charged.

I say, what are you charged with? I'm ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-charged. By golly, you're charged with just the water for one thing.

Say, officer, what's he been doing? He's got seven wives. Well, I'm not asking your troubles.

Discharged. What's the next case? A pickpocket.

Aha, now we're getting to it. Well, young man, what were you doing when you were arrested? I wasn't doing nothing.

I was just taking things easy. By golly, the evidence shows you were taking things too easy. Yes, he took my watch.

Can you identify it? It had my wife's picture in it. Aha, I see.

A woman in the case. Say, young man, why did you take this old man's watch? Honest, judge, I was weak.

I hadn't taken a thing for two days. Well, why did you pick out this old man to rob? I didn't pick him out, judge.

I took him in rotation in the crowd. And the old guy happened to be next, see? Well, young fellow, I'll fine you ten dollars.

Say, judge, I'm to level. Eight dollars is all I got to me name. All right.

After Sunday, follow loose in the crowd and let him get the other two. What's the next case? A man charged with loitering on the street.

What did he do? Stood on the corner and wouldn't move on when he was told to. By golly, that's a pretty serious case.

If everyone stood still on the street, how would anyone get by? I find the prisoner guilty. Well, what are you crying about?

Say, judge, I've never seen jail in my life. Well, don't cry. You're going now.

Have you anything to say before I pass sentence? I could, your honor, if I had more time. Oh, I'd give you more time, all right.

I was going to give you three years. Now I'll give you five. Say, judge, can't you make it light?

What'll I make it light for? Well, my doctor says I can't live more than a year. Order in the court, she hears.

In this court, I want nothing but silence. And very little of that. What's the next case?

A case of burglary. Well, sir, are you the defendant? No, sir, your honor.

I've got a lawyer to do my defense. I was the party that done the stealing. What did you steal?

The doctor told me to take some iron from a constitution, so I took a piece of iron pipe. Who did you take it from? Why, the Standard Oil Company.

The Standard Oil Company. The idea of stealing from the Standard Oil Company. Oh, my, my, what a terrible thing to do.

Twenty years' hard labor. What's all that noise? Officer!

Bang! Johnny, that must be a tough garage that they're bringing in. It takes two of them to handle them.

Wait till they get them in front of me and I give them forty years' hard labor. There he is. Wait!

Well, if it ain't me old friend Ginnie Riley. For heaven's sake, Riley. What were you doing?

You see, I was walking down the street and a gentleman yelled at me, the Irish are no good. Did you lick him? Did I lick him?

Did I lick him? I ain't seen an Irish friend. This is bad.

Support the guns. Come on, lady, let's have a game of peanuts.

Transcribed by AI from the recording above. These are noisy hundred-year-old cylinders, so expect misheard words and the occasional invented line — trust your ears over the text.