The Arkansas Traveler

Transcript

Why, how do you do, boss, what might your name be? It might be Abe Lincoln, but it ain't. What made you think I was boss here?

Why, I just guessed it. Well, just guess what my name is. Did you see a fellow go by here this morning with one eye named James?

No, what was the name of his other eye, hmm? How long have you lived here? See that hill over there?

Yes. Well, that was here when I come. You don't mean to tell me that you've lived here your whole life?

Well, not yet. Are you married? No, no bad habit.

No bad habit, eh? Well, what do you chew that tobacco for? For nothing.

Nobody's fool enough to pay me for it. Well, how far is it to the next crossroads? You just follow your nose and you'll come to it.

Yes, but where does this road go to? It don't go anywhere. Just stays right where it is.

Down the road I saw a horse with a broken leg. Now, why don't you kill it? People generally kill a horse with a broken leg.

Well, I swan round here, we generally kill a horse with a shotgun. Hey, you're a pretty smart fellow, ain't ya? Ain't half as smart as my brother Bill.

Why, who is brother Bill? Why, my mother's son, of course. Come on now, tell me, what is your name?

George Washington. Why, you don't mean to tell me you're the George Washington that chopped down the cherry tree? Oh, no, I ain't done a lick of work for more than a year and a half.

Hey, that's a very fine apple orchard you have. When's the best time to pick apples? When there ain't no dogs about.

Say, what are you doing here about, stranger? Oh, I'm just after a little local color. Local color?

Well, I reckon you're getting it. That fence you were sitting on was just painted this morning. Say, I'm a lawyer, a pretty smart one, do I look it?

Well, yes. Now, I had to go to law not long ago about this house of mine. Well, did you have a smart lawyer?

You just bet I did. He owns the house now. Oh.

I noticed a hole in the roof of your house. Why don't you have it fixed? Yes, it's been raining lately.

Yes, but why don't you fix it when it's not raining? Yes, when it don't rain, it don't leak. Hey, for pity's sake, why don't you play the rest of that tune?

I just reckon there ain't no man living smart enough to do that. Oh, yes, there is. Now, I think I can if you let me.

Ah, thank you. Now. Well, bye chowder, stranger.

Why, you're the smartest man living, you be. Why, you can have anything in my place. Come right in, stranger, come right in.

Transcribed by AI from the recording above. These are noisy hundred-year-old cylinders, so expect misheard words and the occasional invented line — trust your ears over the text.