I'm Always Doing Something Silly

Transcript

At school they called me fatted and I well deserved the name. I was never very keen on education. I well remember every year a fat inspector came just to put us through a stiff examination.

He said to me one morning, now my boy, what can you do? I rubbed me head and said, well sir, between meself and you, I'm always doing something silly. He said me that, but that won't do at all.

Now I'll just ask him a question, let me see what shall it be. Who signed the Magna Charter, boy, in 1215 A.D.? I said, I won't be sure sir, but I dare say it was me, for I'm always doing something silly.

Of course I know I'm very young to have a love affair, but I'm always having something I ought not to. We'd sit each night and hold hands in the park. We didn't care till our mothers used to wonder where we got to.

We'd sit there side by side for hours, quite heedless of the rain. Of course you'd say that's silly, but well there you are again. I'm always doing something silly.

We're married now, shan't forget the day. I walked up to the altar as they rang the wedding bell. The person said to me as I stood by the side of Nell, will you take this to be your wife?

I said I may as well, for I'm always doing something silly. I had three hours off when I got married by the way, and I told the wife I'd follow her to Dover. I had to go straight from the church to business for the day, and that evening when my daily work was over, I went home to the house where I'd been lodging, strange to say.

I quite forgot I had a wife until I awoke next day. For I'm always doing something silly. When I got home a week or two ago, I found the nurse was in the house for the reason I surmised.

Said she, I've news for you, unless of course you've been advised, but you're the father, sir, of twins. I said I'm not surprised. I'm always doing something silly.

My word, I did something silly that time, didn't I? Oh, I am glad I'm not a mother. The day we bought the twins a pram I never shall forget, for we took them with us when we went to buy it.

The one my wife selected was a double bassinet, so I said, all right, old girl, we'd better try it. The man said, shall I send it? I said, as I paid a quid.

Now, put the youngsters in, I'll wheel them home. And so I did. Oh, I'm always doing something silly.

I'll wheel the twins home in that bassinet. But every one we chanced to pass with laughter seemed to shake. The wife said, John, see what they're laughing at, for pity's sake.

Oh, I found I'd left the ticket on the pram, all our own make. Oh, I'm always doing something silly.

Transcribed by AI from the recording above. These are noisy hundred-year-old cylinders, so expect misheard words and the occasional invented line — trust your ears over the text.