This concertina, you must know, I take with me where'er I go. While I was sailing once abroad, my poor wife, she fell out of board. I said, I am a selfish clown, I can't stand here and see her drown.
So I shut my eyes and sat me down and played me concertina. One day whilst bathing in the sea, some ladies had a game with me. Those naughty ladies, fair to say, they pinched me close and ran away.
Give me me clothes, I had to screech, but they stuck to them just like a leech. So I walked home along the beach and played me concertina. At twelve o'clock the other night, I rushed around to Dr.
White. When I got there and rang the bell, the doctor came and shouted, Well, please tell me, sir, what brings you here? At twelve o'clock it's very queer.
I said, I thought you'd like to hear me play me concertina. For a donkey ride I went one day, and in me usual careless way, I pinned me concertina to the donkey's tail and off we flew. I gave a shout as we set sail, he jumped me up to the aft of bail, and every time he wagged his tail he played me concertina.
Transcribed by AI from the recording above. These are noisy hundred-year-old cylinders, so expect misheard words and the occasional invented line — trust your ears over the text.
This transfer and transcript: CC BY 4.0. The performance itself is public domain. Free to reuse, including commercially, with credit.
Arthur Osmond stage name of Arthur Gilbert
A stage name — UCSB's catalogue annotates every one of these cylinders “Arthur Osmond [i.e. Arthur Gilbert]”. Gilbert was a recording engineer as well as a singer, and recorded comic songs with orchestra for several labels under more than one name. The practice was routine: studio singers moved between companies under whatever name a contract allowed.
Written from UCSB Cylinder Audio Archive. Corrections welcome.